They say it's your birthday!!!

EFY is here!! Or I guess we should say...is almost gone. It is Thursday....Greg and I have been directing EFY all week at BYU. I love EFY...what an experience. Really, I am just a sidekick to my talented husband and through the week I continue to be inspired by him and by the youth of the church. I am one lucky girl to get to be married to the man of my dreams and to get to participate in one of the greatest youth programs of our church!!! I LOVE EFY!!!

This year we requested to do EFY early, knowing that this pregnancy would most likely be an issue later on in the summer. We made EFY in the knick of time. Yesterday was indeed my birthday. I had my weekly appointment scheduled for my birthday....(horrible timing but indeed out of my hands). I always have such mixed feelings going into these appointments because while I love to see my beautiful son, I HATE hate HATE the anxiety that comes with each appointment. Yesterday was no exception. The last couple of weeks have brought much anxiety and disappointment as the reality of our situation sinks in. He has jumped leaps and bounds over the last couple of weeks and where we were just in the D range a couple of weeks ago, he was at the top of the B range yesterday. He jumped 10 points in one week. As the technician did the first round of Brain dopplers and I looked at the scores I couldn't help the tears that started to pour from my eyes. I am helpless. I see my sweet little baby, his heart beating and his darling little body kicking and moving all around and realize how quickly things have turned for the worst. I am no stranger to this...and I know I willingly signed up for this, but I can't help the heartache it causes as I realize what a challenge the next little while is going to be to try to save my baby from my body killing him. I can't help but feel guilty that it is my body that is destroying his life, YET it is with every fiber of my being that I love this child of mine.

Our doctor came into the room and I realize that he is almost as upset as us. He is concerned and worried and I see the panic written all over his face. I think to myself, that I must be strong. He is not LDS and he has commented on our faith...I must be strong. He has witnessed miracles with us and he must not see me defeated. Yet, I feel so weak at this point.....so helpless. The whole time we were there I kept picturing my other boys...but especially Colton, as I realize that this little boy is just like Colton. All I want to do is hug my Colton to regain that reassurance...to realize that miracles happen and that we can succeed. It is a miracle that we got pregnant and it is a miracle that this little boy made it to 26 weeks. I kept playing in my mind the promise I made with my Heavenly Father. I promised that I would go through everything I did with Colton, IF this baby could just make it to 26 weeks. Heavenly Father clearly held up his end of the bargain and here I am...I WILL hold up my end of the bargain as well. I never thought another baby with this horrible disease would ever make it past 20 weeks...and it did. There is a miracle in that.

Our doctors and all of his staff were scrambling to call all of the necessary people to get the ball rolling. We met in his office and he came into explain his thoughts. We would proceed to do the amnio at that point and draw both mine and Greg's blood. He felt horrilbe that I had to do those on my birthday....I could have cared less!!...the birthday was already dumb!! :) We decided that we would wait until Monday to start the process of the steroid shots. They were on the phone with the blood bank alerting them to be looking for blood for the baby and for myself. The lab back East was being contacted to be made aware that our amnio samples were on there way and that they needed to be tested immediately. This process may take up to a week and we need those results by at least Monday. The downer...our doctor was leaving town for 11 days. All, of the sudden I felt as though I was back in time....this is the same thing that happened with Colton. We will now depend on another doctor...who is completely capable..but who doesn't hold the bond we do with our doctor.

I don't care to relive yesterday....yet I find I am anxious for tomorrow. What does it bring? I am so scared yet I am reminded of each the experiences and answers we recieved to get us to this place. In December when I got my final answer, I remember the story of the Lord calling to Peter to walk to him on the water and it gave me strength....I again am reminded of that story and I realize that I am in the midst of the waves and the strong winds and I WILL NOT SINK....I WILL NOT TURN AWAY FROM THE LORD! I do not know the outcome, but I do know that the Lord is aware and I find peace in that thought more than I can describe.

I realize why I love to be pregnant....I never feel closer to the Lord than when I carry these sweet spirits and it is at this time that I feel completly dependant on him. Please pray for our son and for me to have the strength to endure!!

Love you all!!

...and the walls come back up!!

I should really hold off on posting this until my emotions decide to come back to their reasonable state!!! We just returned from our 23 week appointment. The positives: The baby is darling. Today we got to see him swallow over and over and stick his tongue out....it looked as though he was trying to communicate with us. This was a lot of fun to see. He is a great size. He is measuring about 5 days bigger than his due date and they estimate he is about 1 pound 5 ounces. Today our wonderful doctor had an intern with him and so he was walking her through the ultrasounds and so it was fun to have an even more thorough ultrasound...I had to laugh though because he said to her...."Becky is an expert at ultrasounds and can read them faster than I can....." What can I say....I missed my calling in life...OR....I have had to many ultrasounds in my life!! The baby is very active and so far everything about him looks wonderfully amazing and I love him more than I can describe.

The negative:.....duh, duh, dunnnnnn! Today was the day I have been dreading since I found out I was pregnant. I think I was prepared to have these emotions 5 weeks ago and then we had such positive results that I have been riding this high for the past 5 weeks. I look at this as a positive too. I promised Heavenly Father that I would go through all of this again if we could just get him to the point where he could be transfused.....it looks as though he held up on his part of the bargain! The past few ultrasounds were territory we have never crossed before. We have never had a baby go down away from transfusion level....it was a high I have been enjoying more than I can explain. TODAY, the baby's level jumped up. While this will make no sense to most humans, his score started at a 28 on his 18 week appointment. This put us in the B range. From there he has gone down and our last ultrasound he was a 24/25 ish. This put him in the D range. We have never been in D range with any of our babies. Think of the chart as a growth chart. The A-D range isn't a straight line across...it curves up along the chart. Today the baby had readings between 30-32 putting him back up into the middle of C. While this is good he is still in C....it does mean that he jumped 5-8 points in two weeks....that is a lot and I can't help feel a little defeated today. Tomorrow I can start being optimistic again,...BUT today those emotions that never came 5 weeks ago are here and I am afraid the pessimist in me is winning out. Whew. I am scared. I can't deny it. I have been here...I know what comes next....BUT I have also witnessed miracles and I have complete faith in my Father in Heaven.

Soooo....here we are., and again, I write most of this down for me to remember. I understand it is quite confusing to most. Trust me...I wish I wasn't quite an expert in this area, BUT I am, and I am grateful that there is a way for my baby's to receive the help they need. What a gift.

Please keep the little guy in your prayers!!! Mwah!!! Love you all!!

Amazing Miracles

I just wanted to hurry and document the last couple of weeks. Facebook ruins it for me because I can just hurry and post the news within a couple of seconds....blogging actually takes a little more time. The past few weeks have been a dream. I have finally stopped throwing up.....YEAH! This is the fun part, when you feel for the most part....wonderful! I love feeling him move and feeling like I am not going to barf in everyones faces......that is a small miracle in and of itself. This kid is definitely a mover and a kicker. I swear to you he thinks my insides are a bounce house.....I often wonder how when he is so little he can be up the top of my stomach one second and then the next second he is at the bottom feeling like he is trying to make his way out. At our appointment yesterday our nurse was dying because he seriously was doing somersaults.......I wasn't kidding when I said he was a mover! BUT.....I love it because I feel like doing flips too with all of this wonderful news. At our last weeks appointment Greg and I were driving to the hospital daydreaming what it would be like if at this appointment he actually went down to level C. We have never had a baby go down on his head dopplers so while this was a nice thought we knew that we were way up in the night with our wish. We took the boys with us this time so that they could see their brother....we opted to leave them home when we were finding out what we were having because we didn't want them to be there for horrible news and especially if the baby had died...so this was their first time coming with us....besides our appointments are long and I can't imagine their patience will hold up but they loved being there and of course our little guy wouldn't show us his face for his 3D pictures...he is a Johnson and wanted to show us the goods.....and the boys thought it was hilarious!! When we got to the brain scan I found myself just holding my breath. While I was so excited the week before with his B level, I started feeling overwhelmed once we got home and started really thinking about what the road was going to be like ahead if he was like Colton. So many miracles had to take place for him to survive and I realized how emotional the next little while was going to be if we followed the same pattern. To my amazement the first scan/doppler showed that he had dropped from a 28 to a 26...what? That must be a mistake....but lucky for us they do at least 6 dopplers just to make sure they are getting an accurate reading. Everytime....26!!!!! I think we were in shock. This made him drop from a B level to almost the bottom of C level!! We had never experienced this. We were beside ourselves with shock and amazement...could this really happen???? This is what we hoped about and dreamed about. I slowly felt a little piece of my wall come down...I say a little piece because while I was excited I was still apprehensive that it was accurate.....my heart was jumping for joy but my brain couldn't wrap itself around this idea. Over the next week I still found myself not really enjoying the moment because my fear was that we'd go to the next appointment and find that we were wrong. Well, yesterday was our appointment and to our amazement he dropped to a 25 this time and we found ourselves in the D Level...WHAT???? We have NEVER had a baby in the D level. Again, I am so amazed and astonished....my wall is about halfway down....I am still in fear until we continue on this trend. We sat and talked with our doctor for a long time as we discussed the possibility that this baby might not carry the antigens. We knew there was a chance but I was too scared to believe it could truly happen. Our doctor told us that he could still end up needing transfusions but that maybe he was just carrying one of the antigens and so it will take a little longer for him to become anemic..whatever the outcome I know without a doubt that this is buying us some much needed time. I feel so thankful for this experience. I don't know the outcome but I feel so blessed and loved for all the prayers and fasting on our little boys behalf. What a miracle!! I just pray we can continue on this great trend and that we can find ourselves at the end of this journey amazed by the outcome!!

And its a BOY!!!

Shocker, I know! We just know how to make boys....and I am great with that! I love boys and I know what to do with them. I think Greg had a harder time with the idea of not having a girl but that is because I KNEW it was a boy and he thought it was a girl!! To say that this pregnancy has been an emotional rollercoaster would not do justice. I really feel like up until this week I have been fine and really haven't let myself venture into the "what ifs". The last couple of days I have maybe been a little more unfaithful and doubtful and SCARED to DEATH!! When Greg came home to pick me up today, I was shaking so bad....but he gave me a blessing and again I just felt that peaceful feeling.

The fact that he was a boy was pretty obvious from the second she started the ultrasound. Let's just say, my boys are proud to be Johnson's!! HAHA! As scary as it is going to these appointments, it is like a family reunion. I love these doctors and nurses and all who work there so much! Both the technician and our doctor do a full over ultrasound from top to bottom and so far he looks good. When we did the brain doppler I was terrified. I just wanted him to at least have a chance. We know that if the baby carries the antigens that it will tend to be worse with each baby. Again, the chart ranges from A-D. A is transfusion level and B C and D just tell us how close we are getting. Lets just say we have never had a baby in D! So sad!! Alex was in C at this same appointment and Colton was in the middle of B. I just wanted a B at least so I knew we could give it a fighting chance. We knew that if it was in A then there would be nothing we could do and we'd wait for the baby to die. You can imagine how happy I was when in actuality the baby was not only in B, but closer to the bottom of B range. YES....we have a chance and while I know it could go quicker, or run a different course, and will most likely be a roadtrip through hell, I don't care...I have a fighting chance!! We will begin seeing the doctor weekly at this point and if at our next appointment he moves up the B level towards A, than we will procede with the amnio. This will actually give us all the answers we need to move forward as far as what antigens he carries and what his hematocrit score is right now but we want to wait a little longer to do an amnio. If he needs the transfusion before 26 weeks we may have to do other methods than what I am used to. Usually they transfuse into the umbilical cord and it is so hard to do before 26 weeks and so if it is too early for that we have the option of transfusing straight into the baby's belly(not as affective), or the baby's liver (risky...) or straight into the baby's heart (to risky for my liking and hasn't been attempted too many times...). So here we go on this journey!

I have been so moved by the love and support we have recieved through each of our pregnancies and this one is by no means any different. We have some amazing family and friends and we are so thankful for everyone who has prayed and fasted on our behalf. Honestly one of the neatest things with Colton's experience was being on the opposite side of prayer and fasting. I always explain it as not only a spiritual comfort but and actual physical support and comfort...I don't know how else to describe it. I believe in prayer and fasting and I know without a doubt we are being watched out for...I am not naive and I know things don't always turn out how we want or plan...but I am very optimistic at this point!

We love ya!! We are so excited to add this sweet little boy to our family!!!

The Tale of Four Babies!

Well, it is official! We are pregnant with baby number 4. I don't know how to put into words the emotions that I am feeling right now. If there is an emotion...I have felt it through the past 14 weeks. I write this blog post not for the world...but for me and for my posterity. I just choose to share it with the world I guess. It will be long so feel free to not read it but this blog post will go in a book and so it is my way to document this kind of stuff!! So deal with it..:)!!

So I want to explain how we got to this point....(I am not talking about the birds and the bees people.) I mean, how we came to this decision. Some think we are crazy, some think we are out of our minds, but without going into extreme personal detail I will tell you that this decision has been one of, if not the hardest decisions I have ever made. I did not take it lightly or jump into it quickly. My youngest child is 5....you count...that is about 4 1/2 years of praying, fasting, crying, temple-going, confusion, multiple doctors visits and trying of course off and on..(that was Greg's favorite part!!) I will go into a little more detail after I describe what we have gone through and why this decision wasn't the easiest one for us to decide on.

The beginning: We got pregnant with our oldest child a year after we got married. I was actually amazed at how easy it was considering I had had severe endometriosis and ovarian cysts since I was 12 years old. I figured being put on birth control at such a young age and for such a long period of time would contribute to me not being able to get pregnant BUT that first one was a breeze. For the most part his pregnancy was wonderful. We were told at 8 weeks that we were having a miscarriage and after days of tears and no miscarriage we had a second ultrasound and low and behold....the baby had a heartbeat. It was the first of miracles that would take place in our baby history. My water broke on my due date...which just happened to be my mother in laws birthday..and with the first grandchild!! (I know...once a suck up..always a suck up!!! I couldn't have planned it better if I tried!!!) After 10 1/2 hours of labor they finally figured out this baby was breech..(I had been asking them that for weeks prior to the delivery and they said NO!) We were rushed in for an emergency C-section. It was a blessing in disguise because when he was born they quickly realized that something wasn't right. He was lethargic and extremely pale. They took him up to the NICU where he stayed for a week. They knew he was anemic but had no idea why. He never received a blood transfusion and this poor little boy spent the first 2 years of his life very very sick. BUT, he is a perfectly healthy little boy now!! :)

We knew that we wanted our children close together. Not long after we started trying for numero 2. I think I had bragged too much about how easy it was with number 1 that the odds were not in our favor this time! It was a rollercoaster of emotions and this time my ovarian cysts did play a role in our ability to get pregnant. After 2 years of trying I had to undergo surgery to remove two cysts the size of grapefruit. They had grown within my ovaries and so therefore reconstructive surgery also had to be performed. We weren't sure if this surgery would result in a hysterectomy but so grateful for very skilled doctors. We tried for another 9 months and then went in for a procedure that told us my tubes were 97% blocked from the scarring of the endometriosis....with a hope that this procedure sometimes clears the way. We were devastated....but also realized we were so lucky that we were able to have one child of our own. We decided to see a specialist to proceed with different options. We met with the doctor and decided we would start with artificial insemination the next month. BUT, by the next month I was pregnant with baby number dos!!! It was amazing. Our boys ended up being exactly 4 years apart. It was at the beginning of this pregnancy that our OB called us to let us know what he had found in my blood work. My antibody count was sky high and we were then informed that we had RH antibody disease. This is different from normal RH. Most people are familiar with RH...but we don't have blood that is RH negative/positive. Greg passes antigens on to the babies..I don't have those antigens and so my body thinks of this as a infection/disease and through its natural response starts to fight against the baby. Therefore resulting in severe anemia. There is no shot I could have taken and nothing I could have done. It now made sense why our first was so anemic. We were so unfamiliar with this condition at this time but soon were referred to our amazing specialists. We began doing brain dopplers which is a high tech ultrasound that can actually look at the blood flow of the main artery in the baby's brain. From those scores they can chart them and we can tell if the baby is in need of a blood transfusion. The chart ranges from A-D. A is transfusion level and levels B-D just tell us when we need to do another brain doppler. We met with the specialist at least weekly with this pregnancy and were lucky enough to make it to 35 weeks with this pregnancy before he needed a transfusion. It was safer at this point to deliver the baby and do the transfusion on the outside. Alex received 5 blood transfusions, spent 2 1/2 weeks in the NICU and came home with a feeding tube for about 6 weeks. It was at his birth that we were told that he had 3 holes in his heart. We see the cardiologist about once a year and he has done really well and when we visited with the cardiologist at his 6th birthday we were told that 2 of the 3 holes had closed and that there was only one and she was confident it wouldn't be a problem for him in the future.

Because it took us so long to get pregnant with Alex (alex and D are exactly 4 years and one day apart) we decided that we wouldn't wait with number 3. When Alex was exactly 1 we got pregnant with number 3. We were told that this condition would get worse with each baby but we had no idea how much worse this 3rd baby would be. Boy, were we in for the ride of our lives. We began meeting with the specialists at 14 weeks and at about 18 weeks we started the dopplers. Colton was instantly in the level B for his brain dopplers. What a blow to our excitement. We were told that because it was such a delicate procedure that they wouldn't transfuse the baby until 26 weeks. They compare it to trying to stick a needle into a piece of spaghetti while it is floating in water. With this pregnancy we were in the doctors anywhere from 3-5 times a week depending on if we had a transfusion that week. By 23 weeks Colton was in level A. We immediately did a amniocentesis. The results from this test would take a week to get back because they had to send it back east. The amniocentesis with the original method to use to determine how anemic a baby was...lucky for me they came up with the brain doppler which spared us from the amnio until we really needed it. The results came back with many answers....Number one: the names of the antigens that Colton had (Duffy, Kidd, Little C) and it also said that Colton "DIDN'T" need a transfusion. This is where it all could have gone really wrong. I could tell when this baby was anemic by the lack of energy...he would really be so still at these times and it was terrifying to wonder every hour of every day if this baby was still alive. Our doctor spoke with many specialist throughout the nation and at week 26 Colton was not only in the A level but right at the top of the level. Our doctors decided it was in the best interest to go in for a blood sample and possible blood transfusion. What a rollercoaster. The transfusions are done on the operating table. There are so so many things that can go wrong during these procedures. First, it is so hard to find blood for these little babies. We were told that only 2% of the nation can donate blood (and of that 2% not everyone donates.) When you are giving an unborn child a blood transfusion it is pretty much liquid gold you are giving them. They use a high tech ultrasound machine that helps guide them through my stomach to find the best point of entry into the umbilical cord. Since the baby is so small they have to really watch the cord each time they poke it because it is a matter of a minute or so before the baby can bleed to death through the cord. Obviously there is the chance of my going into labor and also the chance of the water rupturing. Our first procedure took 3 1/2 hours. I will say that the drugs were very nice....very very nice. I just wish my poor husband could have been sedated through these procedures. It was hell for him. I was in and out and I remember thinking to myself..."they probably think I am the best patient. I am just so happy and nice and they probably love me"..I had no idea that we had been in there so long and Greg said I would wake up and ask him a question and then before he could answer me I would be snoring really loud. I do remember waking up at some point in the midst of chaos! They had received the results of the first blood sampling. This blood sampling told them that this baby's hematocrit was a 11.2. Normal range is 45-50 and we were told that under 15 people are normally dead. I asked them what it was and I was told that it was wrong and that there was no way it was this low. They immediately went back in for a second sample and this sample came back at a 10.6! At that moment I remember my doctor telling everyone in the room that no one was leaving this room until this baby had blood. Now, this is a delicate procedure in the fact that you can't just tank him up to 45-50, that would kill the baby. We were able to get the baby's score into the 20's with the knowledge that we would be back within the week to do it all again.

I remember them taking me back to my room and Greg and I just sitting in our hospital room just crying and crying. We couldn't believe that we were that close to losing our child. We were grateful to have our new bishop and his wife be in the room with us when our doctor came into speak with us about the procedure. I think we were all in shock. Within a week we were back in the same place. We were able to tank him up a little bit more this time and it lasted 2 weeks this time. Our 3rd transfusion was hard for us too because our specialist that we had spent the most time with wasn't going to be there. Therefore we were now having to trust a completely different doctor and actually everyone in the operating room was new and unfamiliar to us. This was very hard for me, not because I didn't trust this doctor but when you go through something like this you just build a bond and a trust but I really learned to love these other doctors as well. This procedure was a little nerve racking for us. Just as they were beginning the procedure I started to panic because I wasn't feeling the affects of the drugs. I told the anesthesiologist and he said, okay and he gave me more. He asked me if I was feeling it now and I said no. He then gave me a little more and then I heard him say a nice little word and then him say, I forgot to unplug your line...That's the last I remember. I was so drugged it wasn't even funny. What I was told when I came to was that because I was so drugged and the baby also receives sedation through the cord that they couldn't get the baby's heart rate to come up. They were within seconds of doing a C-section to get him out. We stayed in the operating room for over an hour after the procedure just watching his heart rate. When we went back to our room this time, my poor husband had had it. He isn't one to be emotional but as I like to describe it, he went to the dark place!!! He cried and cried! I understand how hard it was for him to see me and his baby in this position. He was helpless, could do nothing but sit there and watch and pray. BUT, we made it through once again. About 2 weeks later we needed another transfusion. This one seemed to be our smoothest one. We felt confident about it and felt like we were getting into the rhythm of this whole ordeal. Boy were we wrong. I always go in the day after a transfusion to do brain dopplers and make sure his numbers have gone down. In the past they always had. After this 4th transfusion we went in and his numbers were higher than when he had the transfusion and he had blood clots floating in his fluid. He had also drank/ate some of the blood. This meant that his cord hadn't stop bleeding right away and he had lost all of the blood that was given to him. We were so lucky that he didn't bleed to death and eventually stopped bleeding on his own. I was panicked. At this point and I just wanted everything to be okay, I was tired and scared and dependant upon others decisions. Amazingly enough my doctor sent us home for the weekend with confidence that all would be well. We went back in on Monday and our doctor was out of town again. I was so scared and our other doctors made the decision that I couldn't leave the hospital and that it was best for this baby to be born. I was just barely 32 weeks. They took me over to my room and I had to call Greg to tell him I couldn't leave. We knew it would take at least a day to get the blood. Every time the doctors called the blood bank they were always so amazed at how fast they were able to find this blood for our baby..they called it a miracle. It was always usually within a day!!! Incredible!! We got the blood the next day around 1 and our little Colton was born. He received 5 more transfusions within the next 6 weeks of his life. He was an amazing size for his prematurity weighing in at 5 pounds 4 ounces. It was at his birth that we were told that at some point during his pregnancy, he suffered a stroke. Again we had many doctors studying those results and we were told that it was in a strange part of his brain, a very quiet part of his brain and that they had no idea how it would affect his life. We were told that there was a high chance he would never walk or talk in this life. WE DIDN"T CARE! Our baby was here and was thriving. Colton only spent 3 1/2 weeks in the NICU and then came home and was on oxygen for 3 months afterward..(he had to do oxygen while he slept until he was 2 1/2). This baby was a miracle in every way possible. While he was a late walker, he was my earliest talker and there isn't a day that passes that I don't just marvel at him. He is perfect!!!! I love the doctors and nurses that became like family to us through this whole ordeal!!

If you would have asked us after that whole ordeal if we were done having kids Greg and I would very enthusiastically said..YES!!! Haha!! We were so so done!! That was until it all wore off. I am known to be baby hungry even when my baby is 6 weeks old...Greg calls me crazy but even with all we go through I just love love love having my babies!! It has been a very long 4 1/2 years trying to make this decision and like I said before I won't go into detail because I am the only one who can appreciate the answers I have received. All I can say is that my Heavenly Father has been very patient with me. I have doubted and I have feared even after I have received such strong promptings. I admit, I am like Peter. I would receive an answer and decide to walk forward with the answer and then I would get scared and would start to sink in my faith and belief and EVERY TIME the Lord would give me peace. I was so scared of what others would think and I was also scared to go through this heartache again. We met with our doctor the first week of December and he told us this was it. He was giving us 3 weeks to decide because again, my body has other issues and we needed to be looking into a hysterectomy. He said, " you need to stop sitting at this fork in the road. Your baby is almost five and you have other health conditions. Lets make a decision by January." I left that appointment more confused than ever. I didn't know how I was going to make a decision in 3 weeks when I had gone back and forth on it for almost 5 years. Again, I went back to my Father in Heaven and again I received that peace.....I knew the answer already...but I received it again. Greg and I decided that we would continue to try but that he was right. We needed to put a date on it. We had tried off and on for 4 years and our baby was going to be 5 so we decided we would try until he turned 5 and than have the peace that we did all we could do. We were pregnant by the next week...(TMI..I know)

I have been taught my whole life in this gospel. I have been taught that we can receive answers through prayer, through scriptures, through our church leaders and through the still small voice. I have never in my life been able to testify more of these truths than I can now. I did not see angels and did not have visions, but I did receive answers through these other precious gifts. I have been told that I have made my decision and now have to live with the consequences or that if things don't go right than it wasn't God's will. I will never deny the answers I received. I am quite aware of the great possibility we have in losing this child but I will never deny that this is what I was supposed to do. I don't want to lose this baby, I want it more than I can describe but I know we can only do so much. I have faith in whatever God has planned for us and in the end I won't deny that this is what I was supposed to do, rather, I will look and find what the Lord wanted me to learn in this journey. I am only embarrassed and so grateful that the Lord was patient enough we me. I have seen miracles take place with my other children so I know it is possible and all I can do is continue to exercise my faith. I am so grateful for this opportunity!!

We met with our doctor this week. It was so fun seeing this sweet little baby. I will be 14 weeks tomorrow. We don't know what is going to happen. There is a 50/50 chance this baby won't even have the antigens....all three of the boys have had them so while some think our chances aren't great, I like to look at it as we are bound to get one unaffected...right??? At 18 weeks we will start our brain dopplers and decide if we do an amnio at the same time. The amnio will give us many answers...but it is also risky so early. That decision will be made before my 18 weeks appointment. The doctor said if we make it into the 20 weeks that he would consider doing a transfusion earlier this time or they can try to inject the blood into the baby's belly. It isn't as affective but easier than trying to stick the cord when it is so so small. I am just praying that we can get this baby to the point where it at least has a chance. I don't want to go through all the procedures again, but I would do it all again just to have the chance to have this baby!!

So that's pretty much our saga!! Thanks for all of the prayers and concerns!! We love ya!!

You Bum Looker!!

* WARNING...this post is disturbing on all levels and I take no responsbility for any dryheaves that my occur....read at your own risk!!

Sooooo....the husband gave me a weekend getaway for my birthday. I know....fantastic right?!? It was well needed and although I hate leaving my kiddos I knew I would love just being with my love...ahhhh(vomit). We headed to the George for some serious relaxation. Being in a car together always is quite entertaining and we seem to make each other laugh..(okay, who am I kidding...we make ourselves laugh and the sarcasm is continually flowing that the other one just thinks the other one is laughing at them.....get this straight people...I am the funny one!!!...see I just giggled at myself!!!) Anywho....we decided that since we have lived in this great state and never visited Zions that now was a good time to seek out that adventure. I know...we live on the wild side!! Well, we drove to the Visitors Center with not an inkling of our plans for the day...we almost got sidetracked by a sign leading to a city where well known polygamists live....WHAT?...we are professed people watchers. Anyways back to my story, as we were about to embark on our little bus ride up the canyon I told my hubby that I needed to use the restroom. No big deal right? We all, whether we like to admit it or not have to pee at sometime or another....I just happen to have to pee every 30 minutes. Sooooooooooo.....................





......the bathroom is chuck full. I had no idea that Zion's was like Disneyland as far as how many people come and go from that place. For those who have never been in a women's bathroom it is like little anxious sardines waiting for their turn to get to a toilet. There is ALWAYS a line to pee and to wash your hands (ironically more people in the line to pee...gross....). FINALLY my turn comes up....it is the handicap stall but a girl needs to pee and I see no one in need of this special stall. I take my place in the bathroom and as I always do in a public bathroom I squated over the toilet so as to not sit in anyone else's splashes. I know.....men are always puzzled by this which just tells me they have never stood up from a toilet and realized they now have a random strangers pee on their behind...(for me...it causes serious dryheaves)....so I squat...shoot me. Anways ..... I am squating and peeing away when out of the corner of my eye I see people...I slowly look up and see people staring at ME. Oh YEAH...my door has swung wide open for who knows how long and there I sit..ok squat...in all my glory. What does a girl do? Does she pull her pants up and head to the door to shut it? NO...that would be too easy. My mind doesn't work that nicely...I scream and then run to the door....PANTS DOWN....in the middle of midstream (drip drip) but the door has swung all the way out and I am trying to pull it with the one hand and its not coming so I panic and start trying with two hands when it dawns on me that I am now full on standing with my pants down for all to see (you know...just in case they missed it the first ah 7-10 seconds....(thanks for the help women...you know you could have helped me.) As I finally got the door shut I just stood there by the door for a good few seconds dying of embarassment and comitting my life to never coming out of this stall....home sweet home..... How was I to walk out of this stall gracefully to all the women who have now ran and told their loved ones about the peep show in the bathroom....BUT I did it.....with a grin on my face.





So....lets just say that on that very warm day I saw a piece of Zion's and Zion's saw a piece of me!





The rest of the trip was wonderful and less embarassing.....I know who I am and I know embarassing things happen to me on a regular basis but this one has to be up there at the tip top. We were able to cram so much into just 3 days. Zions, temple trips, shopping, Tuachan and Vegas for Lion King and of course eating....LOTS of eating! It is good to know that after 12 years Greg and I can still have a fantastic time together! Love ya babes and I am grateful that even though I showed the goods off to complete strangers you still walked within 10 feet of me at all times of our trip!! Now that is love!!!